Worry upon worry...

Where to begin with this one. Alcohol. The past several months it's been on my mind. Seeing the effect it has on people around me frightens me more than it ever has done before. Of course I drink myself, more often than usual. It scares me more because of how much of a role it has in David's life. How he doesn't seem to be able to control his urge to drink on a daily basis. How he doesn't seem to be able to go home after work without hitting the pub first. How it doesn't seem to make him happy but he does it anyway because that's become his routine.

I worry that it will destroy our relationship and our plans. I knew all this before I got back together with him, so I shouldn't really complain, but I care about him so much that I couldn't help myself. Will we end up living together and I'll constantly be waiting for him to arrive home from the pub? Will he get himself together for us? I have to have faith in him, I really try to but it frightens me to death. I hope him seeing his mother and what she's become because of her drinking will finally make him realise and see sense. I've found myself getting into a pattern of roaming the streets and smoking at times like this, just so I'm not in my room and getting anxious and miserable. It makes me feel so small and vulnerable, I hate the feeling.

I wonder if it was a big factor in making his other relationships fall apart. That scares me too. Will he be able to defeat his demons for me? Am I the exception? It scares me even to type it but I'll drive myself mad if I don't. Dermot told me not to worry but how could I not? The best thing to do is look after myself and create a new life after all that has happened but I can't turn my back on the people I care about. I know he needs me even though he may not realise it, I can't turn away from that. I just dearly hope that this year will see things turn around, not just for me, but for David also.