Worry upon worry...

Where to begin with this one. Alcohol. The past several months it's been on my mind. Seeing the effect it has on people around me frightens me more than it ever has done before. Of course I drink myself, more often than usual. It scares me more because of how much of a role it has in David's life. How he doesn't seem to be able to control his urge to drink on a daily basis. How he doesn't seem to be able to go home after work without hitting the pub first. How it doesn't seem to make him happy but he does it anyway because that's become his routine.

I worry that it will destroy our relationship and our plans. I knew all this before I got back together with him, so I shouldn't really complain, but I care about him so much that I couldn't help myself. Will we end up living together and I'll constantly be waiting for him to arrive home from the pub? Will he get himself together for us? I have to have faith in him, I really try to but it frightens me to death. I hope him seeing his mother and what she's become because of her drinking will finally make him realise and see sense. I've found myself getting into a pattern of roaming the streets and smoking at times like this, just so I'm not in my room and getting anxious and miserable. It makes me feel so small and vulnerable, I hate the feeling.

I wonder if it was a big factor in making his other relationships fall apart. That scares me too. Will he be able to defeat his demons for me? Am I the exception? It scares me even to type it but I'll drive myself mad if I don't. Dermot told me not to worry but how could I not? The best thing to do is look after myself and create a new life after all that has happened but I can't turn my back on the people I care about. I know he needs me even though he may not realise it, I can't turn away from that. I just dearly hope that this year will see things turn around, not just for me, but for David also.

Monday...

Bank Holiday Monday...it feels like the past three days have been a long, dreary succession of Sundays. Today is one of those days where it feels as if nothing of real note will be achieved, I just feel like holing up in my room and not conversing with anyone. Conversation feels like such a drag at the moment, making small talk, trying to be interesting...yawn. Hard work.

Wish I had the house to myself today, awful as it sounds even just going to the loo seems to end up in a long-winded conversation about everything and nothing. I just feel so bloody TIRED at the moment. On a day like this I wish I could see Meral, really the only person I can be totally comfortable with. Ah well, Sunday will be welcome.

New Year...New Beginnings

Wow. Two years since I last posted! It feels odd to be posting here again after such a long time, and so much has happened I hardly know where to begin. I'm not sure what I hope to achieve here, much like before, but I'm hoping my blog will give me some clarity this year.

So, a new year has been ushered in and I'm feeling somewhat lost and unfocussed. For the past few months there was always Christmas to focus on, and now that's done and dusted, what next? Last year was an absolute rollercoaster. Despite all the horrible stuff I still feel as if I have much to be proud of. I managed to survive, and on my own, but am still having difficulties with my new life. Sat in my room sometimes, I feel nothing but emptiness, vulnerability and fear. I have a lot to be thankful for - new home, new job, new relationship - I'm still so terrified of everything I've achieved falling apart though.

I need to change the way I live and get into new patterns - healthy patterns, I need to broaden my horizons and not spend all my time in my room moping or drowning my sorrows in drink. At the moment it feels like a huge challenge. Huge. I can't afford to go back to the way I was though, never again.